BOB Culture Survey 2 "the deuce"......

Attention reader(s?), as before test your current BOB culture knowledge with my fun and easy survey:

1. A 12 year old boy was safely rescued from the Appalachian Mountains in McGrady, NC Tuesday after being lost for over 3 days. Authorities believe the reason the boy was lost in the first place was:
A. He was acting out the real life version of a game his scoutmaster taught him on the trip called "hide the snake in the log."
B. He had seen Deliverance and was out searching for banjo music and some of the locals.
C. He became to ashamed to face the world after realizing that he was, in fact.... a boyscout.

2. Recent reports cite that Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie has recently adopted yet another foreign baby. When questioned, sources close to Jolie commented that her reason for doing so was:
A. She needed another tan baby to match her two black babies and three white babies.
B. She is just curious how many babies it would take for even Brad Pitt to stop F**king her....(Vegas puts the over/under at 5 X 10^16)
C. She is building an audience that will actually go see Tomb Raider 3.

3. The U.S. Congress is currently investigating the Executive Branch's recent decision prompting the firing of 8 U.S. Attorneys from 8 different states. Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy believes that U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales approved these firings because:
A. If he didn't, his "boss" would choke him to death just like he did to Admiral Motti aboard the Death Star. (fyi I had to look up Admiral Motti's name on "woookieepedia"....I can't make this stuff up http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Force_choke)
B. It is the first step in Pres. Bush's "merger plan" between the Executive and Legislative Branches of government. By 2010, the plan calls for Emperor Bush to make all court/law making decisions by shaking his magic 8 ball and using a wigi board.
C. It is well known doctrine that job termination is the consequence of free thought for Republicans in this administration. Now sip the Kool Aid.....sipppp.......that's better.

4. Andrew Dice Clay's new reality T.V. show "Dice Undisputed" centers around Dice's "comeback" to the comedy world in his pursuit of his ultimate dream of selling out Giant's Stadium. The main thematic development throughout each episode surrounds:
A. Who gives a flying f**k? If I wanted to see white trash from Jersey, I'd turn on MTV's True Life series.
B. Who gives a flying f**k? I can think of 400 has-beens who interest me more: (including but not limited to Captain Kangaroo, The Micro Machine Man, That Indian Dude with the really long fingernails, and the creator's of The Elephant Show; Sharon Lois and Bram).
C. Who gives a flying f**k? It doesn't take talent to replace the work "dock" with "c*ck" in a nursery rhyme. Go work in a garage already!

Hey yo Adrian!! could I get a back rub?....

First and foremost, for those of you who think that I was just a wham bam thank you ma'am one night stand blogger, that I fizzled my way out of the blog community after just 7 posts like the literary Chumbawumba, you are incorrect. I am currently living in a hotel on base and I do not have this "new fangled" invention called "the innn-tarrr-net" that most people outside of North Carolina speak of. As a result, my blog entries become few and far between as I get indoctrinated into work, try to close on my brand new house, and take up my most recent hobby....BOXING!! Yes people you heard correctly, Bobby "the....." Davidson (still working on the nickname, perhaps you could post some suggestions) is now a boxer. But how did this all come about?

Well, believe it or not, I've always wanted to be a boxer. I've never wanted to compete like "Rocky" or the "Cindarella Man," I just simply want to be a part of the sport...in some way. Well now I am taking lessons from what I believe to be some sort of Jamaican man named Gurjot K. Singh (no relation to Vijay Singh for those golf nuts out there) from a place named "Angel's Gym" (no asian sensations involved however). I've only been to one lesson, I haven't even been punched yet, and already this sport is kicking my ass. I still have a long way to go but I hold on to my dream of having a statue erected in my honor on the stairs leading up to the Philadelphia Library (for now I'll settle for Fayetteville).

Here is a list of people I want to Box:

Barbara Streisand: Fuck her and her shitty singing voice, I don't like her and I don't need a reason.
Dr Phil: If you think I need give a reason why I want to box him, you are next on the list.
Every girl who has ever hosted a party on my sweet 16: you think they may be easy, but I'm taking them on all at once.
A Killer Whale: You gotta earn the right to have a cool adjective in front of your name like "killer," we'll see if the new genus isn't called "Glass Jaw Whale" when I'm done.
Dr Phil: He won the first fight because he is fat and surprisingly agile.
Scarlett Johansson: Don't tell my girlfriend, but while we're fighting I'm going to try to touch her boobs.
Dick Cheney: I know I might be going out of my "weight class" per se, but If I can beat the "dark knight" ain't no body ever going to fuck with me again. I will be requiring medal detectors at all of the entrances however.... don't think I don't know how you play Dick!

Pornographic Mad Libs/What's new with me

Easy enough, just fill in the blanks (points awarded for creativity) and leave your answers as a comment...

I'm sorry it has been so long since I've _________(verb), but ever since I injured my _______(male body part), my ________(noun) has demanded a lot of attention from me. To start with, I finally ________(verb) my first _________(noun), and boy did the experience cost me a lot of money....and wear me out! My real estate agent (Bill) says that he's never seen a ________(noun) so _______ (adjective) before....and he's 78 years old! He wondered how I was going to fit my ________(noun) into Al's (my builder) ________(noun), but he was confident that Al could give me a hand.

Next, to save money, I stopped going to bed with _________(nouns) and started sleeping ________(at/on a place). As I go to and from work filling out paperwork and meeting people, my mind often wanders to my brand new giant _________(noun) and how I'm ever going to be able to _________(verb) it along with all of the other _________(nouns) in my life right now. I just feel like people are demanding a lot from me!

Lastly, my favorite group of _________(people) did some very impressive ________(actions) last week. However, all of their _________(actions) was not enough to win them the _________(prize) proving that sometimes it just doesn't matter how big your _________(body part) is, you need a little luck too.

THE ______(noun)

P.S. I don't have Internet at my disposal right now, so these entries might become few and far between.

I never thought I'd envy a Ken doll, but....

I am writing today's BOBservation through clenched teeth and repressed tears. No, I am not saddened by the autopsy results of the Big Bopper (seriously, wtf?? he's been dead for like 50 years), I am sucking it up and giving YOU the reader(s?) what you desire. What am I sucking up you might ask?....my dignity, my manhood, and the pain emanating from my C*ck. Why is there pain in my beef bus? Sit back and relax children....its story time:

Around 5:00 pm central standard time today, your favorite 1st Lieutenant (select) was at the Pope AFB gym engaging in his daily workout routine. Today was "shoulders and abs" and midway through the weight room session of the workout, I began to do "upright flys" to better tone my upper shoulder muscles.

*Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with "upright flys" you need to understand that this exercise involves two dumbbells, one in each hand, being held around the belt area, pressed together. Once the dumbbells (in this instance 25lbs) are in place, you lift the weights by both shrugging your shoulders and doing a sort of reverse butterfly flapping motion. After the weights are lifted to their full extent, they are lowered back down towards the belt buckle and the motion is repeated. *

Well it doesn't take the foresight of Ray Charles to see that all of this raising and lowering, and separating and rejoining of these two weights within close proximity to my genitalia is a recipe for disaster. I was on the 15th of my 15 repetition set when I began to struggle. I pushed and pushed until finally I was able to raise the dumbbells one last time to their apex. Victorious, I sighed, relaxed, and returned the weights to their initial position (near my 21st digit). However, it is here where everything went terribly wrong. My extra pushing had left me in an exhausted state, and caused a sudden loss of situational awareness with regard to the control of my workout utensils. Like a castrating, fem-nazi, pendulum of sterilization, my arms flailed OUT OF CONTROL leading the two 25 pounders on a hopeless collision course of death towards my bilbo baggins. I tried to stop it, but it was too late, and I watched in horror as roughly 500 lbs per square inch of pressure pinched down on the outward, most sensitive 1/4 inch of my chief of staff.

Here is a list of things LESS PAINFUL than what I experienced:

Child birth (ladies I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT)

Being lit on fire during a shark attack

Getting skinned alive while listening to Abba cover Celine Dion songs

Calculus

Here is a list of things MORE PAINFUL than what I experienced:

Nothing

Warning: the remainder of this Blog Entry is not for those who are faint of heart or have weak stomachs

Immediately upon sandwiching danger the one eyed ranger; two little, salty tears appeared at the corners of my eyes. Also at this point, I came to the realization that my life would never be the same. The pain felt like I had been shot in the Girthy McGirth by a jagged, bullet shaped, piece of lava. I DROPPED the dumbbells and sat down on a bench, only to promptly stand up because sitting down made it worse. Next, I began walking. I'm not sure initially where I was going, but I knew I was headed there quickly (but not too quickly). The men's locker room seemed like the logical destination for my panic-walk, but my loose fitting basketball shorts were making the journey far too painful. As a result, I walked the last 100 ft or so before the locker room holding my elastic waist strap out from my body to ensure no "rubbing." In this position, with my hanging chad more or less there for everyone to see (if they were close enough and looking down), I went into the locker room and headed straight for a bathroom stall. Somehow in my panic I managed to grab my water bottle, and at this time (obviously due to my delirium) I figured it would be a good idea to douse my Johnny Cockrane with ice-cold Aquafina. Needless to say, that was a mistake. There was a man in the stall next to me... and that man heard me cry.

I will spare you the rest of the details, but for enquiring minds: my Longrod Von Hugenstein is swollen (not in a good way), purple (also not in a good way), and bleeding (yes, it broke the skin).

Pray for me.

Bobby Davidson 360....

In the news today:

Former White House aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty on 4 of 5 counts in his Perjury and BOBstruction of justice case today....the 5th count you ask?? DEVIL WORSHIPPING (the jury insists that Libby only liked Dick Chaney and the prosecution lacked significant evidence to prove spiritual involvement with the Vice President's quest against the destruction of free-will)

Mom Pleads guilty to using baby in a pillow fight. Chytoria Graham, 27, used her 4 week old son as a baseball bat in a fight with her boyfriend. The kicker?? Her DEFENSE in her trial was that she lied about how the baby (who had a fractured skull) got hurt to protect her abusive boyfriend. Chytoria's parents have retained custody of the child and handed the defendant over to the care of Maury Povitch.

U.S. Senate continues investigation into Walter Reed Army Medical Center's poor conditions after the discovery of "black mold" was made public. "We have a moral BOBligation to provide the best possible care and treatment to the men and women who served our country, they deserve it and they're going to get it." commented President Bush...he later went on to state that he prefers the term "African American mold" and that the next step is to "Fight the mold in Iran so we don't have to fight the mold here."

New TV Sitcom to be based around Geiko "Cavemen." In a related story, I've decided that I'm going to start reading a lot more.

Suck on that Wolf Blitzer, you and all of your "situations." I managed to go an entire blog entry without the mention of Anna Nicole Smith....was that so hard? Who names their kid Wolf? And there is no way your actual last name is Blitzer, that is the name of a reindeer.

fag.

TOMB of Jesus found!?!? or was it just his bachelor pad.....

Attention Reader(s?), what you are about to read is not the word of Christ, but I overheard his friend talking in Starbucks and.....

It is in Christ's BOBpinion that the entire world has lost its mind. As some of you more informed reader(s?) may know, last night, renowned THEOLOGIAN James Cameron (who brought us such religious ground breakers as The Crucifier, The Crucifier 2: Judgement Day, The Crucifier 3: The Rise of the Jew, and Titanic) premiered his documentary The Lost Tomb of Jesus on the Discovery Channel http://http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/tomb/tomb.html.

The documentary insisted that there is roughly a 600 to 1 shot that the tomb and bone fragments that archaeologists have found is actually that of Jesus of Nazareth. The documentary also claimed that housed in this tomb were the remnants of (gasp!).......HIS WIFE AND CHILD. Of course (right on time) outrage ensued and hundreds of Christians covered their children's ears with books 7 & 8 of the "Left Behind" series. After all ears were safely covered, these Christians began to email dozens of death and bomb threats to The Discovery Channel's website claiming heresy at the possibility that Jesus had a family. Let me repeat that...THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL IS RECEIVING BOMB THREATS FROM CHRISTIANS (followers of the "Prince of PEACE"). To help you let that sink in, I will list the daily programing of the Discovery Chanel: Mythbusters, How it's made, Dirty Jobs, and Survivorman.

In an official statement released yesterday, the Catholic Church is looking for physical evidence/proof of how this discovery = scientific explanations.

Is it just me or is everyone missing the point...
One: It is a fairly common perception that a man named Jesus of Galilee walked around on this earth at one time performing either miracles or really cool party tricks.
Two: If he was flesh and blood, following his physical death there would be some sort of remains, or at the very least a final resting place.
Three: Proof of two ^ existing does not disprove his teachings.
Four: His teachings are what matters, not his personal life. By arguing over the details of his 2000 year old carcass, aren't you forgetting what really matters ? Example: Love they neighbor as BOBposed to bomb all disbelieving neighbors.
Five: The woman in his tomb is not necessarily his wife, it could be his baby's momma.
Six: The bible was written roughly 8 generations after Jesus's death and cannot be considered 100% accurate (i.e., I can't tell my best friend a good drinking story without it getting misconstrued in the FIRST retelling).
Seven: If there are bone fragments, lets clone his ass! Maybe that is how the "second coming" is supposed to happen. (where were you on that one James Cameron?)
Eight: Who attacks the Discovery Channel? Is the Catholic Church really targeting the one decent and educational station left on television? The same station that ran a documentary disproving Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code? What is next, Catholics against NPR?
Finally: Since when is THE CHURCH into providing physical proof? If you are ready to play that card Pope Benedict the XVI, why don't you just run a DNA test on the "body of Christ" you hand out at your daily masses and compare it to the bone fragments found in this tomb?

In BOBclusion I will say this: I am both Catholic and a James Cameron fan; and when I think about this whole mess in a big picture format the only logical solution that comes to me is to enact the scenario out in movie form. James, here are some possible titles:
Tomb Raider 3 (Angelina finds a portal into heaven)
Die Really Hard
NOAH'S ARC (prequel to Titanic, unrelated but a good idea)
Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator vs. Son of God

note* this blog entry was inspired by the discussion on the Ron and Fez show on XM channel 202

BOB Culture survey....

Attention all reader(s?), test your current Bob Culture knowledge by taking my quick and easy survey:

1. Former Vice-President Al Gore was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize because:
A. He "put climate change on the agenda"
B. This is a well orchestrated attack on George Bush and Fox News by the Norwegian cell of Al Quaeda
C. He is a prime example of how to efficiently re-use/recycle old cardboard.
D. This was an "off year" for hippies

2. The funeral plans/court battle involving Anna Nicole Smith has finally been laid to rest this week. Anna Nicole was best known in her life for:
A. Having the world's largest vagina
B. Having the world's richest vagina
C. Having the world's largest vagina to tiniest brain ratio
D. All of the above/she is not known to have achieved anything in her lifetime

3. Pop Star Brittney Spears has recently been reported to have shaved her head, gotten a tattoo, and checked into rehab for a third time. This outlandish behavior is believed to be because:
A. She is having a hard time coping with her divorce from K-Fed
B. After several months of sobering "responsibility" she decided to act out
C. She was influenced by Paris Hilton
D. She finally realized that she had no talent once she turned fat and ugly after her pregnancies and no one wanted to F*ck her anymore, so everyone stopped lying to her about how great she is and how she has such a good voice.

4. Which of the following TV show "pitches" was actually ACCEPTED by MTV and appears on the channel on a regular basis: (pick more than one)
A. "Ghetto Kids" from the suburbs stand around in a circle and tell one line jokes that were invented in the early nineties by 12 year olds....for comic relief it will be hosted by the one guy on That 70s Show WITHOUT acting talent.
B. A spin off of three previous shows where we take the least interesting of all of the Jackass "characters" and watch him "run amok" as his even less interesting fiance tries to plan a wedding. The kicker? Every episode this character will come up with a zany scheme (written by our writing staff) that slowly transforms his fiance's dream day into a giant promotion for our station. Look out for cameos from his stroke victim uncle and morbidly obese family.
C. We take an attractive teen, fill up a bus full of other attractive teens (sometimes of the opposite sex, but not always) and have teen 1 date everyone in the bus one at a time. The catch is that the selecting teen's ego will always prevail as he/she pre-judges all contestants based on their looks, ability to hula dance, and most importantly...whether they come off as a "playa." Watch self-esteem get decimated one 17 year old at a time.
D. Music videos

answer key: c/d/d/(all answers but d are acceptable)

F@ck it! I like Fergie.....

I just want to start out by BOBserving that saying "I like Fergie" out loud feels really good, like I just had a slightly chubby, unattractive pop-star lifted off of my chest. The feeling I'm having right now is comparable (I'm sure) to admitting to a double homicide, or telling your gay uncle that you are straight; but not to be confused with admitting to liking Gwen Stephanie's solo stuff. I also want to point out that because I like Fergie, that does not mean I like The Black Eyed Peas (as if that is in some way better). I only like Fergie's lumps and humps, and the fact that she was up in the gym working on her fitness....and her need to spell stuff out (T-A-S-T-E-Y).

The evolution of my Fergie admiration or "fergmiration" (as I call it), began with the song My Humps. Back in those days I was a closet Ferg Head who scoffed her in public and worshipped her in private...I was confused, troubled, and I would like to apologize to Fergie now for my behavior. Dont Phunk with my Heart followed and so did my Fergenaissance, finally culminating in Fergielicousness.

For those of you who keep score at home, NO this does not make you cooler than me. While it is true that liking Fergie should constitute a drop in the points race, admitting to liking Fergie actually cancels it out. If I admitted to liking The Black Eyed Peas, THAT too would be a drop, unless I acknowledged that "Where is the Love" is for pussies. (its a complicated scoring process).

I will close with musicians that I am not ready to admit that I like yet:
Nelly Furtado
Bobby McFerrin
Akon
New Edition
Howie Day
Los Lobos
All Clarinet Players