OBAMA VS. MCCAIN.....

After my year long hiatus from BOBservations I got really bored and decided the time has come to give my 2 readers what they have been longing for... political commentary: (I know what you're thinking, "Bobby doesn't have 2 readers,"... if you must know, I count myself).

WHO TO VOTE FOR?

I am one of those Americans that still has not made up their mind, so my decision will be made in large part based on what happens between now and November. This includes the topics that are on everybody's mind:

Vice Presidents

My vote could easily fall upon the man that chooses the best VP candidate, so in case the Senators are reading, here are a list of suggestions that could win or lose my vote:

Obama:

Bad Candidate: Hillary Clinton. Dude, you don't owe her shit. She is Reese Witherspoon in Election. One second she is tearing down your posters and mudslinging, next second she is sleeping with her teacher to get ahead (or in this case the voters at the DNC). You give her one pant leg, and next thing you know she wants the whole pant suit. Let this be a warning to you...NEVER trust a Clinton. This includes Hillary, Bill, and George with his whole band of P Funk All stars.

Good Candidate: Hillary Swank. Do you want a male or a female vice president? Why not a female vice president that could PLAY a better male vice president than any other candidate? If you choose Hillary Swank you have a virtual Iguana of foreign policy, she can act tough to rigid foreign heads of state or she can appear caring/compassionate in the face of tragedy. Also, don't forget, she was The Next Karate Kid ....need I say more?

Bad Candidate: John Edwards. This may sound obvious now, but you have to move on from the golden boy. Controversy aside, you don't want a vice president who is better looking than you. Take a page from the high school girl handbook, if you are reasonably attractive you surround yourself with FAT and UGLY friends to make yourself appear better, not the opposite.

Good Candidate: John Edwards. Dude, he can predict the future. If you choose the psychic John Edwards as your VP he can avoid major catastrophes by asking our nation's enemies two dozen questions about their dead relatives. EXAMPLE:

John Edwards: "Mr. Bin Laden, I sense a loss"

Osama Bin Laden: "Yes, my parakeet died two days"

John Edwards: "I'm sensing that your parakeet died two days ago"

Osama Bin Laden: "That's amazing!"

John Edwards: "I sense that his name started with the letter A, or B, or C, or D, or F, or G, or H, or I, or J..."

Osama Bin Laden: "His name was Jihad, it did start with a J!! That's amazing!"

McCain

Bad Candidate: Mitt Romney. Don't you see that the Mormons are trying to take over the world? Next thing you know the church of LDS will make him the "new prophet" and soon all mailmen will be Mormons that wont give you your mail until you let them in. Have you seen his family? They're like a small army of beautiful robots, there is no fucking way that they were created naturally....and we've all seen iRobot (okay, no one has seen iRobot) but if you have Mitt as your VP you better hire Will Smith as your Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to fight the Romney Robots.

Good Candidate: Jesse Ventura. Okay we've all seen the Predator and made the jokes, but there are two solid reasons to consider Jesse Ventura as your VP. 1. Your biggest weakness....is your weakness. People think you are frail and going to die at any second. Why not have a former navy seal/pro wrestler around to ensure that your administration wont die with you. Plus, can you imagine him in foreign policy talks with oh I don't know, Pakistan? Their president is like 5'1". He would scare the shit out of them, unlike yourself. 2. Who is going to stop Governor Schwarzenegger if he forms a coup? Not you, and probably not Jessie either....but there ain't no fucking way Mitt Romney would stand up to the Terminator.

Bad candidate: Bill O'Reilly. Don't be enticed by talks that you need to lure more conservative voters, fuck that. Bill O'Reilly is an asshole who would rather criticize than participate. The republicans will fall in line with you without the help of Mr "No Spin Zone."

Good Candidate: Bill Clinton. Now hear me out....1: Bill Clinton would steal a shit load of Democratic voters from Obama. 2: You would never have to worry about making the news with any "controversy" as long as his ass is around. You thought he was bad as president? Now imagine him with all of that power and ZERO responsibility, you might as well film a documentary of his days in office and call it American Pie 4. 3: Remember what I said about "never trusting a Clinton", while that is still true to some degree (especially with your hot wife), he would be so glad to be out of the house and away from Hillary that he would do whatever you told him.

Gentlemen, I ask you to consider my suggestions as they will surely lead to a victory in November.

This is God's Country

C-ayyyy N-ayyyyy D-ayyyyy

As divulged in yesterday's groundbreaking entry...I am in Newfoundland, Canada awaiting aircraft maintenance so I can return to the US. Well post-entry I was able to go and explore the island a little more and I am now thoroughly convinced that this is the most beautiful place on the face of the earth:

Not to mention "George St." which is home to over 40 bars.

LIST OF THINGS I LIKE ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND, CANADA:

Everything is NOT tan

I don't have to shower in a tent

I get to eat steak that wasn't first boiled by a Kuwaiti

It is about to snow outside...instead of spontaneously com bust

Dysentery is not something I have to be mindful of

Most Canadians do not want to kill me

I am in the same hemisphere as my girlfriend...at last

BACK FROM IRAQ, JACK!

HOMEWARD BOUND

Welcome back to my page. Those of you that are reading this undoubtedly thought that I died, fell off of the face of the earth, or worse yet... got bored with blogging. The true answer is that I simply deployed to the beautiful countries of Kuwait and Iraq for a little over 4 months where I was not allowed to access any websites that had anything to do with fun. I am, however, back now (actually in Newfoundland, Canada while they fix my plane) and I plan on sharing some pictures from my journey and catching up with fellow bloggers.

Fun Facts about Bobby's deployment:

Flew 57 Combat missions over the not so friendly skies of Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Qatar, and Bahrain.

Made the news when plane I was flying was carrying 3 Senators and a Rep and we managed to dodge a 3 Rocket attack from bad guys....almost got a CNN interview out of it:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/08/31/iraq.main/index.html
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/30/iraq/main3222845.shtml

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/31/world/middleeast/31attack.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Experienced temperatures as high as 54 degrees Celsius (139 degrees Fahrenheit)

Read 14 novels: some good ones

Flew a C-130 back to the US (still in progress) allowing me to see Turkey, England, and Newfoundland

Fun Pictures

ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND, THE LAST TIME I GOT TO SEE HER A LITTLE OVER 4 MONTHS AGO:

That's all for now

BOB Culture Survey 2 "the deuce"......

Attention reader(s?), as before test your current BOB culture knowledge with my fun and easy survey:

1. A 12 year old boy was safely rescued from the Appalachian Mountains in McGrady, NC Tuesday after being lost for over 3 days. Authorities believe the reason the boy was lost in the first place was:
A. He was acting out the real life version of a game his scoutmaster taught him on the trip called "hide the snake in the log."
B. He had seen Deliverance and was out searching for banjo music and some of the locals.
C. He became to ashamed to face the world after realizing that he was, in fact.... a boyscout.

2. Recent reports cite that Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie has recently adopted yet another foreign baby. When questioned, sources close to Jolie commented that her reason for doing so was:
A. She needed another tan baby to match her two black babies and three white babies.
B. She is just curious how many babies it would take for even Brad Pitt to stop F**king her....(Vegas puts the over/under at 5 X 10^16)
C. She is building an audience that will actually go see Tomb Raider 3.

3. The U.S. Congress is currently investigating the Executive Branch's recent decision prompting the firing of 8 U.S. Attorneys from 8 different states. Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy believes that U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales approved these firings because:
A. If he didn't, his "boss" would choke him to death just like he did to Admiral Motti aboard the Death Star. (fyi I had to look up Admiral Motti's name on "woookieepedia"....I can't make this stuff up http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Force_choke)
B. It is the first step in Pres. Bush's "merger plan" between the Executive and Legislative Branches of government. By 2010, the plan calls for Emperor Bush to make all court/law making decisions by shaking his magic 8 ball and using a wigi board.
C. It is well known doctrine that job termination is the consequence of free thought for Republicans in this administration. Now sip the Kool Aid.....sipppp.......that's better.

4. Andrew Dice Clay's new reality T.V. show "Dice Undisputed" centers around Dice's "comeback" to the comedy world in his pursuit of his ultimate dream of selling out Giant's Stadium. The main thematic development throughout each episode surrounds:
A. Who gives a flying f**k? If I wanted to see white trash from Jersey, I'd turn on MTV's True Life series.
B. Who gives a flying f**k? I can think of 400 has-beens who interest me more: (including but not limited to Captain Kangaroo, The Micro Machine Man, That Indian Dude with the really long fingernails, and the creator's of The Elephant Show; Sharon Lois and Bram).
C. Who gives a flying f**k? It doesn't take talent to replace the work "dock" with "c*ck" in a nursery rhyme. Go work in a garage already!

Hey yo Adrian!! could I get a back rub?....

First and foremost, for those of you who think that I was just a wham bam thank you ma'am one night stand blogger, that I fizzled my way out of the blog community after just 7 posts like the literary Chumbawumba, you are incorrect. I am currently living in a hotel on base and I do not have this "new fangled" invention called "the innn-tarrr-net" that most people outside of North Carolina speak of. As a result, my blog entries become few and far between as I get indoctrinated into work, try to close on my brand new house, and take up my most recent hobby....BOXING!! Yes people you heard correctly, Bobby "the....." Davidson (still working on the nickname, perhaps you could post some suggestions) is now a boxer. But how did this all come about?

Well, believe it or not, I've always wanted to be a boxer. I've never wanted to compete like "Rocky" or the "Cindarella Man," I just simply want to be a part of the sport...in some way. Well now I am taking lessons from what I believe to be some sort of Jamaican man named Gurjot K. Singh (no relation to Vijay Singh for those golf nuts out there) from a place named "Angel's Gym" (no asian sensations involved however). I've only been to one lesson, I haven't even been punched yet, and already this sport is kicking my ass. I still have a long way to go but I hold on to my dream of having a statue erected in my honor on the stairs leading up to the Philadelphia Library (for now I'll settle for Fayetteville).

Here is a list of people I want to Box:

Barbara Streisand: Fuck her and her shitty singing voice, I don't like her and I don't need a reason.
Dr Phil: If you think I need give a reason why I want to box him, you are next on the list.
Every girl who has ever hosted a party on my sweet 16: you think they may be easy, but I'm taking them on all at once.
A Killer Whale: You gotta earn the right to have a cool adjective in front of your name like "killer," we'll see if the new genus isn't called "Glass Jaw Whale" when I'm done.
Dr Phil: He won the first fight because he is fat and surprisingly agile.
Scarlett Johansson: Don't tell my girlfriend, but while we're fighting I'm going to try to touch her boobs.
Dick Cheney: I know I might be going out of my "weight class" per se, but If I can beat the "dark knight" ain't no body ever going to fuck with me again. I will be requiring medal detectors at all of the entrances however.... don't think I don't know how you play Dick!

Pornographic Mad Libs/What's new with me

Easy enough, just fill in the blanks (points awarded for creativity) and leave your answers as a comment...

I'm sorry it has been so long since I've _________(verb), but ever since I injured my _______(male body part), my ________(noun) has demanded a lot of attention from me. To start with, I finally ________(verb) my first _________(noun), and boy did the experience cost me a lot of money....and wear me out! My real estate agent (Bill) says that he's never seen a ________(noun) so _______ (adjective) before....and he's 78 years old! He wondered how I was going to fit my ________(noun) into Al's (my builder) ________(noun), but he was confident that Al could give me a hand.

Next, to save money, I stopped going to bed with _________(nouns) and started sleeping ________(at/on a place). As I go to and from work filling out paperwork and meeting people, my mind often wanders to my brand new giant _________(noun) and how I'm ever going to be able to _________(verb) it along with all of the other _________(nouns) in my life right now. I just feel like people are demanding a lot from me!

Lastly, my favorite group of _________(people) did some very impressive ________(actions) last week. However, all of their _________(actions) was not enough to win them the _________(prize) proving that sometimes it just doesn't matter how big your _________(body part) is, you need a little luck too.

THE ______(noun)

P.S. I don't have Internet at my disposal right now, so these entries might become few and far between.

I never thought I'd envy a Ken doll, but....

I am writing today's BOBservation through clenched teeth and repressed tears. No, I am not saddened by the autopsy results of the Big Bopper (seriously, wtf?? he's been dead for like 50 years), I am sucking it up and giving YOU the reader(s?) what you desire. What am I sucking up you might ask?....my dignity, my manhood, and the pain emanating from my C*ck. Why is there pain in my beef bus? Sit back and relax children....its story time:

Around 5:00 pm central standard time today, your favorite 1st Lieutenant (select) was at the Pope AFB gym engaging in his daily workout routine. Today was "shoulders and abs" and midway through the weight room session of the workout, I began to do "upright flys" to better tone my upper shoulder muscles.

*Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with "upright flys" you need to understand that this exercise involves two dumbbells, one in each hand, being held around the belt area, pressed together. Once the dumbbells (in this instance 25lbs) are in place, you lift the weights by both shrugging your shoulders and doing a sort of reverse butterfly flapping motion. After the weights are lifted to their full extent, they are lowered back down towards the belt buckle and the motion is repeated. *

Well it doesn't take the foresight of Ray Charles to see that all of this raising and lowering, and separating and rejoining of these two weights within close proximity to my genitalia is a recipe for disaster. I was on the 15th of my 15 repetition set when I began to struggle. I pushed and pushed until finally I was able to raise the dumbbells one last time to their apex. Victorious, I sighed, relaxed, and returned the weights to their initial position (near my 21st digit). However, it is here where everything went terribly wrong. My extra pushing had left me in an exhausted state, and caused a sudden loss of situational awareness with regard to the control of my workout utensils. Like a castrating, fem-nazi, pendulum of sterilization, my arms flailed OUT OF CONTROL leading the two 25 pounders on a hopeless collision course of death towards my bilbo baggins. I tried to stop it, but it was too late, and I watched in horror as roughly 500 lbs per square inch of pressure pinched down on the outward, most sensitive 1/4 inch of my chief of staff.

Here is a list of things LESS PAINFUL than what I experienced:

Child birth (ladies I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT)

Being lit on fire during a shark attack

Getting skinned alive while listening to Abba cover Celine Dion songs

Calculus

Here is a list of things MORE PAINFUL than what I experienced:

Nothing

Warning: the remainder of this Blog Entry is not for those who are faint of heart or have weak stomachs

Immediately upon sandwiching danger the one eyed ranger; two little, salty tears appeared at the corners of my eyes. Also at this point, I came to the realization that my life would never be the same. The pain felt like I had been shot in the Girthy McGirth by a jagged, bullet shaped, piece of lava. I DROPPED the dumbbells and sat down on a bench, only to promptly stand up because sitting down made it worse. Next, I began walking. I'm not sure initially where I was going, but I knew I was headed there quickly (but not too quickly). The men's locker room seemed like the logical destination for my panic-walk, but my loose fitting basketball shorts were making the journey far too painful. As a result, I walked the last 100 ft or so before the locker room holding my elastic waist strap out from my body to ensure no "rubbing." In this position, with my hanging chad more or less there for everyone to see (if they were close enough and looking down), I went into the locker room and headed straight for a bathroom stall. Somehow in my panic I managed to grab my water bottle, and at this time (obviously due to my delirium) I figured it would be a good idea to douse my Johnny Cockrane with ice-cold Aquafina. Needless to say, that was a mistake. There was a man in the stall next to me... and that man heard me cry.

I will spare you the rest of the details, but for enquiring minds: my Longrod Von Hugenstein is swollen (not in a good way), purple (also not in a good way), and bleeding (yes, it broke the skin).

Pray for me.